Grief

 

Back in the summer of 2004, my partner and I discussed getting a dog. I wanted a little dog, one that I could carry in my purse, like a Chihuahua and I wanted a girl dog because I didn’t ever want the dog to cock its leg on the furniture, or show me the red rocket. Well, I got home from work to a huge surprise.

Baby Harley. He fit in your cupped hands and had the cutest little baby bark!

Imagine my surprise when I came home to the cutest little puppy I had ever seen. He wasn’t a Chi, or a girl, but he was so cute it didn’t matter. It was love at first sight. We debated on a name and my friend and I thought Wilbur would be cute because he reminded us of a little piglet! In the end, my partner won with the name and he ended up being called Harley Davidson Little for the rest of his life. He really answered to Harley, dumbfatdog, Harhar, Harvey, Bubba, baby boy. The first night he was home, I rocked him to sleep in my arms and sat on the couch sleeping because he was crying so much. I felt bad for him. I learned to put a blanket over his crate at night and that crying ceased, but eventually he made it in to the bed for the night.

Over the years, Harley was known to chew the stuff of whoever I was dating at the time, but never chewed up anything of mine. He loved who I loved. Harley chose me as his human though and you could not really touch me in front of him because he didn’t really like it. He also didn’t like other dogs, cats, most people, children. He loved me unconditionally, like no one ever did. Harley was my best friend. I could tell him anything and know that he would never tell another soul. 

Harley comforted me when I was sad, he laid with me when I was sick. He was never far from wherever I was. He even had to unlearn the habit of smoking when I quit. When I was in the hospital for my stroke, I missed him so much. I knew he would snuggle with me, but they don’t have visiting hours for pets. Skylar bought me a stuffed black dog as Harley’s substitute.

One of Harley’s favorite things to do was take a walk. He walked miles with me, literally. I decided to get in to a daily regimen of walking and Harley was right by my side. He loved sniffing everything and peeing a million times. He never raised his leg to pee because he was fixed so early that he never learned how. He also never had the red rocket so that was awesome!

My Harley had a great life. He had a comfortable bed, was fed the best food, and had tons of toys. He traveled to Rehoboth a lot and even went to North Carolina and Pennsylvania on road trips with Skylar and I . He loved going in the car as much as he loved taking walks. I looked forward to seeing his eyes light up every morning when we got up. We had a routine and he knew it. He looked forward to chasing the cats as much as possible on a daily basis. He even played fetch.

Harley loved ALL food. Some of his favorite snacks were grape tomatoes and cucumbers. He also loved Beggin’ Strips. He was the most begging dog I have ever met and he was obsessed with making sure he got a bite of whatever ANYONE was eating. I kinda miss having him stare me down.

On July 6, 2018, Harley woke up and we did our normal routine. He was the same old Harley. After being awake for a couple of hours, he started not acting like himself. He was hiding and then later trembling and just looking lethargic. I took him to the vet and it turns out it was the last trip he would ever take in the car. He couldn’t even enjoy it. He laid in the passenger seat, looking up at me and panting. I was crying my eyes out and telling him it would be okay. I told him that if it was his day, that was okay, mommy would be okay. I lied though. I am not okay. I miss him so much. My heart hurts every single day and the grief is real. The hurt really hurts. I know that Harley will always be special to me and that he will always have a place in my heart. Some people won’t understand these feelings because to them, a dog is just a pet and they don’t love them like family. Harley was my baby and to me he was my child. By the way, he didn’t ever fit in my purse. On the day he crossed the rainbow bridge, he weighed 26 pounds. It didn’t matter though, I love him anyway!!

I held Harley in my arms as he took his last breath. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

I got a new dog last week. Her name is Karlee. I feel like Harley sent her to me because he knew that I was lying the day I told I would be okay. I love my new little girl and I keep reminding myself that she is not Harley and that is okay. She is an absolute doll. Harley truly sent her to me. Sometimes, his spirit shows up in her, like when she learned that she likes human food and stares me down for a taste. In time, I know this grief will subside and that each day, my heart will hurt a little less. Until then, I will love this little girl and thank Harley every day for bringing her to me.